Has physical intimacy with your partner come to a grinding halt? Between juggling work, kids, and the nonstop demands of life, has your relationship transformed from being romantic partners to more like roommates? Does your lack of connection make you feel lonely, misunderstood, and unloved?

Perhaps you’re at the stage in your relationship where intimacy feels like a distant memory or, worse yet, just another chore on your “to-do” list. Rather than sharing any spark with your partner, you might be in a rut where either one or both of you rarely feels like having sex. If your desires are mismatched, it could lead to ongoing arguments—or avoidance of the subject altogether—which ultimately pushes you further apart.

Perhaps you don’t know how to talk about sex with your partner without one of you becoming defensive, embarrassed, or non-communicative. In that case, it may seem like you’ve reached an impasse that’s impossible to overcome.

Infidelity Might Have Caused Emotional Damage

You may have given up on the idea that there’s a way to fix what is broken. If some form of infidelity has occurred—such as an affair, online pornography, or sexting—it might seem like you’ve reached the point of no return. The emotional trauma that’s been inflicted may seem insurmountable, but it isn’t.

Couples therapy can make a difference even if you’ve lost hope that things can change. Working with a therapist offers a safe place for couples to rebuild trust and create a new relationship.

The Honeymoon Phase Doesn’t Last Forever

It’s a tale as old as time—when we first fall in love with our partners, we experience a hormone-fueled high that sustains us through the first few weeks (or months) of our relationship. But eventually, the honeymoon phase will wane. Once reality sets in, life with our partner often gets overtaken by career, finances, kids, and extended family obligations. What may have started as a fun and mutually gratifying sex life often recedes into the background.

Unfortunately, many couples don’t realize that the honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever. Before entering into a long-term commitment, they haven’t learned how to anticipate the inevitable transitions that all relationships face. However, the fire that burned hot at first runs the risk of going out entirely if couples don’t continue to stoke the flames.

The “Rom-Com” Generation Often Carries Unrealistic Expectations Into Relationships

When you look at our cultural reference points, it’s no wonder that so many of us have been misled by over-romanticized notions of “true love.” The typical rom-com movie or romance novel would have us believe that once we meet our soulmate, we experience an automatic “happily ever after”. However, relationships take work, even when we are both in love and committed to each other.

Unfortunately, rather than seeking therapy sooner, most couples try to ignore the problems in their marriage until the house is on fire. But the sooner we can admit that something is wrong and confront the issue, the sooner we can find solutions.

Couples therapy offers simple yet effective ways to keep the engine of your relationship running long after the honeymoon phase has passed. By learning how to speak openly and honestly about sex and make your relationship a priority, it’s possible to restore the connection you’ve lost.

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Therapy Gives Couples The Tools To Build Intimacy And Connection

With all of life’s demands keeping you busy and preoccupied, it’s understandable if you stopped prioritizing your relationship. You may think it seems sappy to be affectionate, express appreciation, or tell your partner how much you love them every day. Moreover, you might struggle to express your sexuality, especially since transitioning into parenthood and feeling disconnected from the carefree person you used to be. As a result, your connection may have waned.

In couples therapy, you’re given a safe, nonjudgmental space to improve your communication around intimacy. I aim to help you rebuild the fun you used to share and help prioritize it so it’s no longer an afterthought.

What To Expect In Couples Therapy

Initially, we will establish rapport so that both of you feel comfortable talking openly about sex. I can help you normalize talking about intimacy, ensuring that you communicate more effectively. From there, I will ask each of you questions about your beliefs and backgrounds related to sex. For example, we will discuss what the rules about sex were growing up and how you may be applying those rules to your relationship.

With a clearer understanding of your perspectives, we will shift the conversations toward what each of you desires sexually and how currently those desires may or may not be fulfilled. These guided conversations will encourage you to be curious and open about your partner’s needs, wants, and desires. By promoting acceptance and eliminating defensiveness, we will ensure these discussions won’t turn into arguments.

The Modalities I Utilize In Couples Counseling

I utilize evidence-based approaches for couples intimacy counseling, including attachment-based therapy, emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), as well as incorporating the five love languages. With attachment therapy, we focus on how you inherently respond and react to each other when you’re feeling afraid. These reactions are based on childhood experiences with your caregivers as well as other past significant relationships. Once you understand what attachment style you have, you can learn how best to work with your tendencies to nurture closeness.

EFT for couples can help you identify the communication patterns in your relationship that often cause conflict and misunderstanding. By learning better methods of communicating that foster emotional engagement, you can ensure each of you feels heard and seen.

We each have a unique love language, a preference for how we give and receive love. It’s common to demonstrate our love in the same way we like to receive it, not realizing that our partner’s preferences are not the same as ours. In couples therapy, you will gain an understanding of what your partner’s love language is so you can express love in a way that will be meaningful to them.

My mission is to help you achieve a deeply satisfying connection. By becoming the architects of your relationship, not only will you create a fulfilling sex life that you love but also cultivate a deep bond that will sustain the ups and downs that life throws at you.

But Maybe You’re Not Sure If Couples Therapy Is Right For You…

Understandably, it can be frustrating for both you and your partner to have different sex drives. While one of you may feel like you’re being forced to have sex when you’re not in the mood, the other feels like they have to beg for intimacy. In couples intimacy counseling, we open the lines of communication, discussing what each of you is willing to give and receive. By addressing the underlying issues that prevent you from connecting, it becomes easier to find a compromise that works well for both of you.
Not only does a betrayal in your relationship cause trauma, but the ensuing emotional rollercoaster can be hard to navigate. At times, it can feel like you’re each living in separate realities, making it hard to imagine your relationship will ever be the same. As a couples counselor, I will help bridge your realities, allowing you to gradually rebuild trust and create a new, improved dynamic moving forward.
Although every couple is different, and there’s s no one-size-fits-all formula that dictates how long couples therapy may take, my goal is to get you moving in the right direction as quickly as possible. Counseling will be goal-oriented, ensuring that we prioritize improving physical and emotional intimacy first. By offering helpful tools you can start using right away, you will eventually have what you need for your relationship to flourish without needing me anymore.

Your Relationship Can Be Better Than Ever

If your marriage is ready for a tune-up, I can help. If you would like to find out more about couples therapy with Los Gatos Sex Therapy, you can call 408-758-8346, email stephanielgst@gmail.com, or visit our contact page to schedule a session.

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